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Relationship Matters

Why You Should Avoid Talking About Your Ex On Dates

Written by: Akua Hinds

March 18, 2016


Why You Should Avoid Talking About Your Ex On Dates. Written by Akua Hinds.

You made a connection with someone you met on a dating website, and now it’s finally time for the two of you to meet in person.  You excitedly get yourself ready to met this brand new potential partner who you’re hoping will be “the one.”  Well, the new “the one” anyways.  It’s not uncommon for people to have exes, but the last thing that you or your date should do is immediately discuss your past relationships.  It is perfectly natural to wonder what events led your new love interest to become single, but probing into each others’ relationship histories can cause a blooming love opportunity to wither and die before it even receives a proper chance to blossom.  Here’s why you should avoid talking about your pasts and why you should focus on your futures:

1. Your pasts had nothing to do with each other. What positive purpose is there in re-hashing all of the reasons why you no longer get along with someone who you aren’t together with? A date should be a fun opportunity to get to know who you are NOW, not who you were way back when.

2. Neither of you have moved on. Absolutely no one on the planet wants to be “that rebound person.”  Talking non-stop about your past relationships on a date will give the other person the impression that you still want to be with the people who you left behind.  Even if you are completely over your exes and you have zero intention of reconnecting with them, your tales about your past experiences might plant seeds of doubt and insecurity in the mind of the new person who you’re trying to build a relationship with.  The reverse is true as well; if your date keeps yammering on about his/her previous partner, there’s a strong chance that they have not fully moved on from that relationship.

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3. Potential for discomfort. It’s fine to ask each other questions on dates, but there are certain questions that should not be posed until you’ve known each other for at least a few months into the relationship.  The first couple of dates should be focused on knowing what each of your goals are for the future, not what your goals were in your past.  Some people don’t want to be reminded of past relationships that didn’t work out.  If you grill someone about their past or if they grill you about your past, you both risk alienating each other.  Instead of the date feeling like a safe environment, you each might feel like you’re being set up to potential judgment for your past actions. 

4. Your plans backfire. Instead of gaining insight about each other’s past experiences and how they shaped the people you are today,  the line of questioning about your exes could lead to one or both of you wanting to reconnect with your exes instead of with each other.  Focus on the present moment and on the future.  Keep your memories and lessons learned from your past relationship experiences to yourself until a respectable level of trust has been built between you and your new mate.  If and when trust has been built and you feel that you want to share details about your past relationships, by all means, do so.  It’s fine to let your partner know about your marital status, if you are a parent, and if you’ve recently been tested for sexually transmitted diseases, but other than those details, you’re under no obligation to share any other details about your past love unions. 

Akua Hinds works as a journalist, actress, music performer & instructor,  owner of 3 dating sites www.InterracialDesires.net, www.RichSinglesDate.net, www.ChristianPartner.co , and independent business owner at www.PureRomance.ca/AkuaHinds & www.PureRomance.com/AkuaHinds  selling passion products.  Please visit www.AkuaHinds.com for more information. 


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